Transformation
Lynn Paus

Your voice on the line at noon
incites my heart to hammer.
My left temple beats a quick pulse against the phone.

I feign casualness.
“Hi. What’s up, Miss Teenah, you okay?”
“Hello, Mommy.”
Your put-on baby-girl voice makes me giggly with relief
and I breathe deep thanks —
there are no dragons to be battled for you today.

“Wanna’ get together for coffee?” you ask.
“Sure,” I reply, “do you want me to pick you up?”
“That would be great. Can you take me to get some groceries first?”
You still need me sometimes, but I need you more.
Giddy, excited to be invited,
I don’t even comb my hair before heading out to the car.

You buzz me in and I walk up three floors,
avoiding the bumpy elevator
and its smell of stale dinner.
Hugging your boyfriend at the door, I sneak a look
over his shoulder
looking for signs,
proof that you are safe, happy, cared for.

Dirty wallpaper gone, walls bright with fresh paint,
new IKEA furniture sits on a bright blue rug.
A kitten with turquoise eyes skids along shining hardwood floors.
Your room was never this tidy when you lived at home.

You tuck my hand in your arm as we walk down to the car.
I barely come up to your shoulder now. Am I shrinking?
Laughing, you lift me off the ground and threaten to carry me.
Just yesterday, you left peanut butter fingerprints on my pant legs.
The scent of baby powder drifted up
from your damp, down-soft hair,
as I bent down to grab your tiny hands.

Now, I follow you around the store
like a puppy,
thrilled to be allowed out of the car,
but afraid to do anything that will spoil the moment.
When did you learn to compare prices and squeeze fruits?
When did you start eating fresh vegetables and kibitzing with cashiers?
I feel left behind.

The flask sputters
as you press out the last drops of bitter,
lukewarm coffee into styrofoam cups.
You sit across the table, smiling at me,
proudly surrounded by groceries you chose and worked for.
Groceries you will cook in your own home,
where I’ll be invited to visit sometimes.
That will be enough.